I turned 18 on Wednesday…

Well my bday was on Wednesday and I had a couple of exams so I barely celebrated it or thought about it. I just can’t believe that and I can’t realize what is going on. I think I’ll crash out on summer but I can’t realize my feelings until then. I feel like I’m dead inside and it’s not a temporary thing. I have to study hard especially in this year but I just can’t. I have no more patience left and I’m loathing about this patriarchy. I am disgustingly loathing about boys, men, the girls who are playing dumb for boys or making them feel like they’re smart, strong… Fuck all of them. I can’t endure it anymore. I can’t feel anything. I’m not talking about “I don’t want to study I want to do my hobbies etc.”. I don’t want to live anymore. I can’t see the point actually. My grades are average or high despite my situation (I don’t even take a look at the topics before exam and the others are just study a lot for it or they’re pretending maybe? idk) Anyway… I don’t want to live like this anymore. I underestimate my worth, my abilities or everything else and it’s unconscious. Idk what to do about all of this anymore. I don’t want to take medication and I know I don’t have to but the education system is awful in my country and I don’t have any options except study and get high grades and win that exam. I CANNOT EVEN WRITE MY THOUGHTS ON A PAPER AND I KNOW I SHOULD BUT I CANNOT DO IT. I just cooked.