If you have a spare moment, please
Hi everyone, I’m 21 and.. only just come to the conclusion that I could have adhd. I never googled or understood adhd before and it’s left me feeling quite shocked, there’s a lot I didn’t know. I’ve booked to see a specialist but I wanted to share and talk to you because I would not like to google further at this point. I struggle with reading, find bruises all over all the time and forget things like.. well like there’s no yesterday. I feel utterly lost in my mind with no memories. In fights with my boyfriend I often struggle to diffuse a situation because I forget what I am talking about with my partner and then I shut down because there’s no way for me to know where to go next in the argument. So instead of having a healthy one he feels like he’s lost and on his own and I feel quite alone too. If you are comfortable, can you please share your experience healing with your partner or if you experience this pattern? Or perhaps let me know if you identify with any of these and how you manage?
One of the things my husband says that drives me nuts, but is true(which drives me more nuts) is "say what you mean, because I'm going to do what you say". Having arguments or even conversations with people where you have phrased what you said in a way that causes the other person to fill in blanks has to be the worst thing you can do. Be as specific as you can, even if you lose track of a different thought(it'll come back eventually), that way you know what you're trying to say and you feel more confident in it, and the person you're conversing with knows what you're saying. There is no misinterpretation, because you have spelled it out so clearly a 2yo could understand what you're trying to say. Not to diminish anyone's intelligence, just so you can 100% know that they understand what you're talking about. I also try to be mindful of how many times we repeat ourselves. "You've/I've said the same thing three times now. You/I need to find a different way to say it because you/I feel as though the other isn't listening or understanding what was said, which is why it's getting repeated" Giving each other permission to say you're being a(whatever colorful word you wish to input). NOT that you ARE said colorful word, but that you are BEING the colorful word in that moment. It allows the person being called out to self asses, and actually see if they are just angry, or if they have indeed crossed that line from being angry to BEING the colorful word which lets them adjust their approach, and delivery of the information they wish to convey. Telling them that your brain freezes in confrontational situations, and that they need to give you a few minutes to process what they said and how to respond. When I was first married I actually had to leave the room, and tell my husband that I'm not walking out on the argument, but that I just need a minute to unfreeze my brain. I've been married for almost 13 years now. I no longer have to leave the room to unfreeze my brain. Having someone willing to let you process the argument in your own way is significantly helpful in being able to work through the brain freezes. Having the same person to argue with also helps as you learn their queues, and how to identify when they're over reacting, how they're likely to respond. These all make for an easy learning environment in an environment of chaotic arguing