Failing miserably at being a husband. My wife never feels heard and this is a huge trigger for her. I'm putting in the work but there's so much resentment that I worry it's too little too late. Wondering what your experiences are?
Posts and comments here share personal experience — not medical advice. For treatment questions, talk to a clinician.
This is incredible feedback, support and advice. So grateful for your time. Sorry to hear that you are going through this. I see the frustration my wife has with me, and know that it seems impossible sometimes. I commend you for being here and taking steps to grow together. We have tried counselling. It helped but it also caused frustrations because despite the efforts, I am still doing the same behaviours. For the time being, it's best to not push on this. My biggest takeaway from your comment: "what you think of as "putting in the work" doesn't align with what she needs." I'm going to reflect deeply on this. I can see pathways involving conversations with her and my own journaling to revisit this. Really appreciate your time and energy.
I don’t have much advice to offer, but I feel the same way as your wife and my husband isn’t trying. I think it means alot that you’re putting in the work, and even asking here for advice is a big step. Are you open to counseling? It can take time to find one you both like and connect with- but it could be the thing that helps her work through her resentment? And would also help you, of course. It could also be that what you think of as “putting in the work” doesn’t align with what she needs. Another thing to think about is- how long ago did you start putting in the work? If you’ve only recently started, know that it’ll take time. It’s possible she may think it’s only temporary. Of course, I don’t know the details- only trying to throw out a few things I know from experience. Sending support to you and your wife!
Also a husband with adhd. I can relate. Game changing behavioral shift for me: Allowing small conflicts to remain small: especially in my mind, and her mind by not letting it manifest behaviorally in you ( that’s easier said that done, but not impossible) Gaining/ showing confidence in your choices. Being kind/caring but not as a as a way of atonement. This will take a while, but she’ll like the consistency when you do it more and more. Having someone else to talk to about issues that might trigger her( male friend/ this app) You may or may not relate to this but I hope it helps!